I'd like to take a step back and let people get a glimpse of my current life...November 2012 and why I'm doing this.
Right now, I'm living in my dad's house with my sister and brother and my 4 year old son. Like I've mentioned before, I come from a very strict Middle Easter background. I love being with my family, but I can feel my father's disapproval for deciding to Finally leave my husband. It is hard to know that he disapproves. However, I've never been happy in my marriage...not from the first day. I let it go on thinking that if I expressed myself and how I felt that maybe he could somehow change. I have always believed that people are all genuinely, down to the core, good. People aren't naturally assholes and if you let them know that the actions they take or the things they say make you feel bad, that they would want to change. But that didn't happen in my marriage. If I told him that I didn't like something, it was almost like it was an invitation to do or say it more. I'll never forget the day I came home from work and he was lying down in bed eating a sandwich and I started changing out of my work clothes. We had been married for a bit over a year (I had mentioned on numerous occasions how much I don't like sleeping with crumbs and asked many times that he stop eating in my bed but more on that later). He decided that while I was changing was a good time to let me know "Wow! You've really put on some weight!" Why, thank you sir. Thank you for pointing that out to me. No, I hadn't noticed. It is my body but I am totally clueless as to how much weight I've gained. I also didn't notice that your super fat ass is sitting like a pig in his own filth IN MY BED - maybe I should point that out. But I didn't. Instead, I calmly told him to please stop pointing out my weight gain. I'm very insecure about how I look and I notice every pound. I really don't need to be reminded. I don't need to be told. I know before anyone notices and I struggle with it. I asked him nicely with an explanation that would appeal to his sense of humanity and if he cared about me, he would understand and stop. But no, he told me he was just being honest and he wouldn't want to lie to me and continued to tell me every time he noticed.
The past 7+ years have been weird. I've been trying to make the best of a bad situation. He's been trying to be comfortable and have a great time no matter how it affects me. He's abusive mentally, emotionally and when things get out of his control, he's also violent, vindictive, and hurtful. I've been trying to overlook all the bad and focus on the good. I've left before and I came back after all kinds of priests got involved and told me to consider my son and how he needs his father in his life. I've attempted the reconciliation thing. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do that. Once I've been hurt enough to want to leave, I do just that and don't look back! But, for the sake of my son, I tried to stay. Things got worse not better. Some things stopped happening but only out of fear that he will be exposed again. Everything else got worse (more on all of this to come).
I was encouraged to write this blog by an old friend from high school. She too has been through a lot and her blog is addictive. She mentioned that she was getting support from absolute strangers. That alone gave me the courage to start. My Middle Eastern background will encourage many people to try to convince me that I shouldn't leave. I know that I should. I know that my son will be much better off without the example of his father tainting him. I know that I will be able to live peacefully and that my son will not have to live in a house that is filled with turmoil all the time. But, I also know that people don't see what I see behind closed doors and they may use my son as a tool to push me back into the abuse. The support and encouragement that I will get from my readers will help me stay on track. Writing these memoirs will also remind me of what it was like to live with him. Living with my family and being around my friends is so amazing and it makes me so happy that I forget what hell felt like.
I am not broken. I am not sad. I am not angry. I am not impulsive. I am not emotional. I don't have any feeling for him good or bad. That's the thing. I'm not trying to get back at him. He will meet his maker one day and deal with the repercussions on his own. I am not crying over any loss cause you can't lose what you didn't have.
I am empowered and because of your support I will get through all of this and prevail.
So, for that, I thank you all in advance.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
You Don't Have A Dunkin Donuts???????
My next few weeks in west nowhere saw a LOT of tears. I'd like to mention that I'm not a cryer. I just don't do it much. Up until this point in my life, I really didn't need to. Up until I got married, I could count on one hand how many times I had cried in my adult life - movies were the exception. I'm talking about real life NEED to cry - I very rarely needed to do it. It isn't because I have no emotions, although some would argue that point, but it is because it has to be pretty effing bad to draw tears from my eyes.
I was alone all the time and lonely. I knew no one. I saw no one except for my new husband's co-workers only on rare occasions. I got to know Giada DeLaurentis, Paula Deen, Bobby Flay, and Rachel Ray very well. My apartment was always spotless and a new and delicious dinner was always ready for my husband every night. I'll have to give it to him - he used to say "thank you. that was delicious," after every meal. Then, he would get up, leave his plate on the table and go into the bed to watch TV. We had an awesome TV and living room that he insisted on buying as soon as we arrived, but he chose to sleep in bed and watch the little TV that I had brought with me from my old room at my dad's house. I could never understand why he couldn't stay in the living room. I'd clean up the dishes and kitchen and get ready to go into bed and snuggle. Who knows? Maybe tonight would be different? It was never different. I'd make advances. I'd get rejected. And this went on for a few weeks.
I know the second time during our marriage was about a month after the first time, but I don't remember when that was. It was that earth shattering. What I do know is that it wasn't when I greeted him at the door with a trench coat and literally the sexiest bra and thong in my closet. It did nothing for him. He actually yelled at me for putting too much pressure on him. He told me to get dressed - this wasn't going to work. He doesn't perform on command and he can't be pressured into it. Then he kindly called me a slut for the first time and told me that I turned him off. Yeah, that was fun. I cried and cried and cried. I yelled back and told him he didn't appreciate that I was so willing and that we were newlywed and that other men would love their wives to be so willing, but I forgot to call him gay! Literally, that was all he could be...(not that there's anything wrong with that). How do you get angry at your new bride for wearing something sexy unless you just aren't into girls? I was a mad woman and fought with all my might about it all. The more he spoke and implied that I was a sex addict and that there was something wrong with me and I was crazy, the more I got angry. I kept on crying and telling him that he was making me feel ugly, fat and unattractive but that actually made him even more mad. He said that all women were crazy and it isn't always about them. It didn't help. I was still angry, I dropped it just cause I couldn't cry anymore and then I slept in the guest room that night. Back then, he cared and would try to apologize and ask me, then pull me and drag me to come back to bed in our room. So I did. There was no making up - there was just a lot of snoring as I raised the volume and watched infomercials.
The next day, it was his day off. We were going to do something - I don't remember what. The plan was to find a Dunkin Donuts, get some coffee, then be on our way. We drove around the entire town - something that can be done in 20 minutes looking for a Dunkin Donuts and we couldn't find one. We finally decided to ask. I figured I'd ask the workers inside the nearest McDonald's.
Excuse me, where's the closest Dunkin Donuts? We're new here and can't seem to find it.
(Blank stare) What's that?
You don't know what Dunkin Donuts is??? Are you serious? It is a coffee and donut shop. It is all over the world. It is a staple in everyone's morning. Why don't you know what it is?? Where am I?? (Turn to him) Where have you taken me????
(Yeah, I kinda lost it)
Then I ordered McDonald's coffee, which was gross, calmed down and we left to be on our way to wherever we were going and whatever we were doing. All irrelevant - I'm spending the next 3 years of my life in a shit town that doesn't even have a Dunkin Donuts with a shit husband who thinks I'm a slut.
No one mentioned the events of the night before.
Just FYI:
The only bakery was Walmart
The only florist was Walmart
The only real clothing store was JC Penny
The only diner was Perkins
The mall on a Saturday had 10 people in it at most
That night...I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a good 20 minutes.
I was alone all the time and lonely. I knew no one. I saw no one except for my new husband's co-workers only on rare occasions. I got to know Giada DeLaurentis, Paula Deen, Bobby Flay, and Rachel Ray very well. My apartment was always spotless and a new and delicious dinner was always ready for my husband every night. I'll have to give it to him - he used to say "thank you. that was delicious," after every meal. Then, he would get up, leave his plate on the table and go into the bed to watch TV. We had an awesome TV and living room that he insisted on buying as soon as we arrived, but he chose to sleep in bed and watch the little TV that I had brought with me from my old room at my dad's house. I could never understand why he couldn't stay in the living room. I'd clean up the dishes and kitchen and get ready to go into bed and snuggle. Who knows? Maybe tonight would be different? It was never different. I'd make advances. I'd get rejected. And this went on for a few weeks.
I know the second time during our marriage was about a month after the first time, but I don't remember when that was. It was that earth shattering. What I do know is that it wasn't when I greeted him at the door with a trench coat and literally the sexiest bra and thong in my closet. It did nothing for him. He actually yelled at me for putting too much pressure on him. He told me to get dressed - this wasn't going to work. He doesn't perform on command and he can't be pressured into it. Then he kindly called me a slut for the first time and told me that I turned him off. Yeah, that was fun. I cried and cried and cried. I yelled back and told him he didn't appreciate that I was so willing and that we were newlywed and that other men would love their wives to be so willing, but I forgot to call him gay! Literally, that was all he could be...(not that there's anything wrong with that). How do you get angry at your new bride for wearing something sexy unless you just aren't into girls? I was a mad woman and fought with all my might about it all. The more he spoke and implied that I was a sex addict and that there was something wrong with me and I was crazy, the more I got angry. I kept on crying and telling him that he was making me feel ugly, fat and unattractive but that actually made him even more mad. He said that all women were crazy and it isn't always about them. It didn't help. I was still angry, I dropped it just cause I couldn't cry anymore and then I slept in the guest room that night. Back then, he cared and would try to apologize and ask me, then pull me and drag me to come back to bed in our room. So I did. There was no making up - there was just a lot of snoring as I raised the volume and watched infomercials.
The next day, it was his day off. We were going to do something - I don't remember what. The plan was to find a Dunkin Donuts, get some coffee, then be on our way. We drove around the entire town - something that can be done in 20 minutes looking for a Dunkin Donuts and we couldn't find one. We finally decided to ask. I figured I'd ask the workers inside the nearest McDonald's.
Excuse me, where's the closest Dunkin Donuts? We're new here and can't seem to find it.
(Blank stare) What's that?
You don't know what Dunkin Donuts is??? Are you serious? It is a coffee and donut shop. It is all over the world. It is a staple in everyone's morning. Why don't you know what it is?? Where am I?? (Turn to him) Where have you taken me????
(Yeah, I kinda lost it)
Then I ordered McDonald's coffee, which was gross, calmed down and we left to be on our way to wherever we were going and whatever we were doing. All irrelevant - I'm spending the next 3 years of my life in a shit town that doesn't even have a Dunkin Donuts with a shit husband who thinks I'm a slut.
No one mentioned the events of the night before.
Just FYI:
The only bakery was Walmart
The only florist was Walmart
The only real clothing store was JC Penny
The only diner was Perkins
The mall on a Saturday had 10 people in it at most
That night...I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a good 20 minutes.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The Stinky Bridge
So my new husband likes to talk on the phone and smoke in the bathroom, while drinking his coffee while taking a dump. Multi-tasking at its best. I heard him call and say that he's going to come into work the next day after we got married. Due to his failure to obtain his own residency the year before, I used my connections to get him into a program a year before we got married. He was accepted late and didn't have any real time off, but they gave him a week off for the wedding - that's not what he told me. He told me they wouldn't give him any time off. He told me to maneuver the wedding date so that it fit in his every third day call schedule. He told me that they wanted him to go back to work as I heard him tell his chief on the phone that he doesn't need to be off any longer and he would like to come in to work. The first of many, many, many lies in our marriage (not the first ever as I discovered). So he went to work. He left me to take care of getting the tire changed on his car. He left me to take care of packing his shit up for our move to the middle of the country. He left me to twiddle my thumbs two days after we got married. Even though I didn't know we had a full week, I thought we had a few days so that we can enjoy our newlywed status. I was making all kinds of romantic plans in my mind. I was going to try on all my new Victoria Secret's lingerie that my friends had bought for my shower. I was going to light candles, cook romantic dinners, drink champagne, eat strawberries and relax. Instead, he left me...alone.
It was a foreshadowing of what was to come. I should have recognized it and gotten out then, but I sat alone in the kitchen and practiced how to sign my new name. What is it about marriage that makes girls stupid????
Two weeks after we got married, we were heading out to middle of the cornfields, IL so that he can start his residency. We were newlyweds embarking on a new adventure together. The movers came and took what was left of our big stuff and we packed up the Honda and headed west. It had been two weeks and I was beginning to wonder if I was unattractive as a married woman. I was wondering if somehow marriage made me grow warts. But hey, he was nervous about the new job and the move. Maybe in the hotels. Hotels bring out the frisky in everyone...right??? Wrong!
Still, I had hope and tried to overlook that little snag. The ride was awful no matter how much I tried to make it fun. I didn't get why he was in such a bad mood. I was lost in thought as we drove into the town that I was going to live in for the next 3 years. It was decrepit, it was bleak, it was ugly and it was flat. Then I was hit with the most atrocious, all lung-consuming, invasive stench I have ever smelled in my entire life. I've lived in Staten Island my entire life so it says a lot if I'm affected by a stench. New Jersey and NYC's garbage used to be dumped there near my house. The SI dump smelled like roses in comparison. You can't even begin to imagine. We had just gone over a bridge that was over something - don't know what. It was horrific!! The smell symbolized my marriage life. Later, we found out that it was the soybeans being processed.
And then he farted in the car...
It was a foreshadowing of what was to come. I should have recognized it and gotten out then, but I sat alone in the kitchen and practiced how to sign my new name. What is it about marriage that makes girls stupid????
Two weeks after we got married, we were heading out to middle of the cornfields, IL so that he can start his residency. We were newlyweds embarking on a new adventure together. The movers came and took what was left of our big stuff and we packed up the Honda and headed west. It had been two weeks and I was beginning to wonder if I was unattractive as a married woman. I was wondering if somehow marriage made me grow warts. But hey, he was nervous about the new job and the move. Maybe in the hotels. Hotels bring out the frisky in everyone...right??? Wrong!
Still, I had hope and tried to overlook that little snag. The ride was awful no matter how much I tried to make it fun. I didn't get why he was in such a bad mood. I was lost in thought as we drove into the town that I was going to live in for the next 3 years. It was decrepit, it was bleak, it was ugly and it was flat. Then I was hit with the most atrocious, all lung-consuming, invasive stench I have ever smelled in my entire life. I've lived in Staten Island my entire life so it says a lot if I'm affected by a stench. New Jersey and NYC's garbage used to be dumped there near my house. The SI dump smelled like roses in comparison. You can't even begin to imagine. We had just gone over a bridge that was over something - don't know what. It was horrific!! The smell symbolized my marriage life. Later, we found out that it was the soybeans being processed.
And then he farted in the car...
Trapped Like A Fart In A Car
Did he just fart in the car as we drove away from our reception??? I'm still in my wedding dress! Is this real life??? My thoughts are all over the place. "Did you just fart?" I manage to ask. "Yes, figured you might as well get used to it. I do it all the time." "Well, that's wonderful! I'm going to ignore the fact that you've never farted in front of me in 2 1/2 years and ask you to please open a window."
Yes, that did happen. He laughed. I knew my life had changed forever. That was 7 years ago. I took the easy way out and I was going to pay for my choice. I come from a strict Middle Eastern background. I hardly dated people from my own culture, but marriage was different. Marriage was reserved for the one who my family will accept. Marriage is reserved for the one who came from good families and had a good education. Marriage was reserved for the guy who can speak my father's language...it didn't matter that my father's language is silence as he watches TV. Love - what is that anyway??? I still don't know!
He fit the marriage mold. Awesome job or at least will be - he was a medical school grad about to start residency. Awesome family. (I just typed fail by accident instead of family - hahaha - quite Freudian and I needed to share). That's all that matters, right? To a Middle-Eastern father, absolutely! I had already ruffled the feathers too much throughout my life that I thought I should do this one thing for my dad, who had lost my mom 3 years prior and needed a break. But I was raised here. This guy wasn't. Right there! That alone is not a good recipe. But he didn't have an accent and he seemed entrenched in American pop culture. He knew more about Britney Spears than I did or cared. I wasn't going to have a language barrier. We both loved movies. He actually wanted me and said it. I wasn't really used to that from guys in my culture. I was 29 and nearing my expiration date. Marriage was the right thing to do. The "All the cool girls did it" peer pressure was definitely playing a part. And he held his farts....
They were the absolute wrong reasons to get married. He didn't take too long to show his true colors. I just kept trying to paint them something else for too long. The one thing that I realized right away - after being married for 2 days - he's not into sex as much as initially implied. I think it was about a month or so before we had another roll in the hay after our first night as a married couple. The time in between rolls only kept increasing as time went on. So much else went wrong with the marriage but I can't put it all in one post - there's plenty more posts to come. And he farted...all the time...especially in the car...
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