The last thing I wrote about was his continued use of prescription narcotics even after I had flushed them down the toilet. Of course, he promised to stop. He said that it was too much trouble. He now knew what it felt like to be very close to losing his job. He was never going to touch any of that stuff again. Riiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhtttttt!!!!!!! But I believed him because I wanted to. We hadn't even been married six months. Of course I wanted to believe him. I reminded him of what withdrawal felt like on a regular basis. I told him that I was able to see the difference in him.
Do you know what didn't change? I'll tell you. His lack of interest in me remained in tact. He still enjoyed his alone time continuously. He'd watch skinimax while I was sleeping because I was often awakened by for some reason or another to find two people in a compromising situation on the screen. I couldn't get over why he felt the need to utilize porn if he had a willing wife. I kept trying to make sense of it. Nothing worked. There was a time when I thought that maybe he wasn't physiologically able to perform. I started reading and looking things up. I was hoping that if it was medical that he can get help. Anything was possible considering his lack of interest. I read somewhere to look for "morning wood" to see if he has physiological erectile dysfunction. The article said that normal is as little as 3 times a week but healthy men had it 100% of the time. I would constantly check. He always got it. There hadn't been one morning that I checked that he didn't get it. So...it is me. It has to be. What else would it be? Is it possible that his hand and my lotions were more enjoyable than being with me? If that's the case, what did I get myself into. I can never be a hand.
In any case, both things kept happening for 2 years. Our so called relationship deteriorated to the point of cordial at best. Even when I got a real job, I still was regularly miserable. I started looking forward to the nights that he would need to spend at the hospital. I regularly encouraged him to do things without me. As I started needing to go away for a couple of days, I would be so happy to leave. I never missed him. I would always dread the ride home after those couple of days away. I always had a pit in my stomach when I would enter my apartment. It was just miserable. I continued to cry regularly and continued to be miserable.
Something needed to make my life happier so I wanted a dog. I finally got one. Then shortly after getting the dog, it was the summer before my husband's last year of residency. I decided to start looking for work back in NY. I consulted with him and he encouraged it. We were obviously going to be moving back to the area so obviously it made sense that I would start looking for work considering the job market. By August, I was interviewing. By September I was being seriously considered for a job - a great job!
I was walking the dog the evening after my last phone interview and praying. My marriage was completely on the rocks. I hated my life with him. We always fought. We always argued. I was always stupid. I always had no clue. I never knew anything - not even things that had to do with my job. I was constantly mentally badgered and put down AND he was not even trying to make things better by showing me he loves me. If I were to be offered the job in NY, I would be expected to start soon. I prayed that if I got the job, that it was God's way of saying that I needed to get away from him. I knew I needed at least the break of the 7-9 months that we would be separated while he finishes up his residency, but I wanted it to be a prayer. I wanted it to be divine intervention. So, as I was walking the dog, I thought of signs. If I got an offer, if they were flexible with the start date, if the salary was at a certain level, and if it all happened within the following week, then it was God saying that I needed the break as well. Before I had gotten back to the apartment, I received a phone call with an offer.
A divine response? You tell me!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
What The...Rx Narcotics From Iran?????
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I stood there literally in shock. A thousand thoughts going through my mind. Did I love this man enough to stay?? Do I just abandon ship now?? How will it look if I left someone in his hour of need? Can I do that and live with myself for just dropping him like a hot potato?? He literally needs help. He doesn't seem to think so, but he does. His only concern is his job? Come on, seriously? What about his health and life? Are doctors that out of touch with reality that they think they can handle all and every possible situation including their own addiction?? I stood stunned, listening to this craziness and working on a way to process it. 7 years later...I'm still baffled and working on a way to process everything that happened then as well as everything that happened since.
Let's take a step back possibly about a month or so after we were married and about 2-3 months before my stunning discovery. It was yet another evening where I had had enough of the lack of his interest in me. I was once again bringing it up. As difficult as it was for me, I even tried watching porn with him. It didn't work for me or him. I just couldn't get it. He then says, it is because he took a Tylenol with codeine. It is probably a side effect of it. I took a step back, looked at him, and said, "Why in the world would you take a Tylenol with codeine???" He hesitated and said that it was because of a tooth ache. Come on! Was I born yesterday? That was complete and utter bullshit and I called him on it. I asked him where he got it. He said that it was prescribed to him. I said when? He said that his cousin's husband had prescribed them to him right after the wedding. Interesting...what for? So he gave me the whole tooth ache song and dance. I got up went into the bathroom vanity and checked on the bottle. There were about 100 pills prescribed. 100!!!! There were 6 left. 6 out of 100 pills left!!!! 94 pills taken over the course of one month!!!! Is he effing kidding me!!??!! That's an average of about 3 pills a day. That's insane!!!! I can't even take one pill. I hate how it makes me feel. I shared this with him and he says (oh God I can't believe he says this, but he does), "Some people get dysphoria but most people feel euphoria. I experience euphoria when I take it." But yet, the story was a tooth ache was it? Ridiculous! Caught in his own lie within the same conversation! I was livid! I once again lost my cool. I screamed. I yelled. I threw the remaining 6 pills into the toilet and flushed. You would think I flushed his first born down the toilet. It was his turn to lose it. He almost hit me several times during his screaming rage. The wall right near my face got a pretty good beating. I was scared out of my mind. He cornered me in the bathroom and was using some real psychological torture technique on me. It was the first time I was literally afraid of getting my face obliterated by a psychotic freak. I thought about walking out then. I didn't know what to do. I had no place to go. I had no money to my name. I wasn't employed. I had spent all of my money on the wedding - literally every dime that I had was spent on the wedding as he contributed approximately $250. I was trapped! There was no amount of persuasion that was going to get me to sleep next to him that night. I was afraid. I had no money. I had no one in this shit town in the middle of no where. I had no credit cards either. Literally trapped with no options! I was up all night that night and the next and the next.
It took him 3 days, but he apologized. He talked about how much he loved me and how I was his whole life there and we only had each other, etc. I still had a huge knot in my stomach and I didn't know what else to do. He hugged me, begged for my forgiveness and promised that he would never touch any of that stuff again, buuuuut...he warned that if I ever pulled a stunt (a stunt?) like that again that he would divorce me on the spot. Wow! Comforting!!
Let's fast forward about 3, maybe 4, months later. I was in a school doing a substitute teaching assignment where I couldn't use my phone so I typically kept it in my purse turned off. When I turned it back on, there were about a dozen voicemail messages from him asking me when I'd finish. They started out calm and then turned into panic and then just crazy. I called him back immediately. He needed me to come home quickly. I asked if he was hurt or if he was in danger. He said no that it wasn't anything that required immediate attention but it was urgent and he really needed me. I promised to be home as soon as the last bell rang. I said that I was sorry that I couldn't just walk out as I'm there substituting for someone else but I'd leave immediately. I only had about an hour and a half left. I raced home to see what was wrong. Small town = home in 5 minutes.
When I got home, he was pacing the apartment in a panic. Back and forth, sweat pouring down his face, his dark face red and just basically he was a mess. I asked what was wrong and the story came out:
He had been randomly selected for a drug test. He was positive for opiates. Why the F would he be if I threw what was left of any narcotic in the apartment down the toilet was the thought that came to my mind and I asked. So, apparently one of his coworkers was going through some real live personal problems. His life was a mess - a real mess. I don't want to get into it right now because it really is sad. He was Iranian and he was bringing in the Tylenol with codeine from Iran in vitamin bottles. He was smuggling narcotics into the the US and providing my dear husband with pills on a regular basis. He was panicked about his job. He had just started his residency. The year before was just a way for him to get in the door, but this was the real deal. This was his career. They would probably retest him. He was suspended immediately until further investigation. I was stunned! He was taking prescription pills from Iran that were smuggled in vitamin bottles and his fear was his career? How about jail? He wasn't a citizen yet. He only had a green card. How about deportation? This was a mess!!! He was worried about what his mommy would think if she found out. I was thinking how fast do I get out of this? But where do I go and what do I do? He then asked me to go with him to his friend's apartment so that we can make sure he doesn't say anything about the Iran smuggling thing. Ok...so at least he is thinking about this. We go to his friend's apartment and his friend is now only concerned that no one point in his direction. What buffoons! What assholes! No one even thought to admit there was a much bigger problem - a narcotic drug addiction among the residents of this program.
For the next 3 days, I nursed this ass through his withdrawal but it wasn't until his 4th day that he admitted that it was withdrawal and he started talking about the dangers of narcotic withdrawal. He swore he would never touch the stuff again and never take anything again. He promised that he was a changed man. I then started hearing about all the stories of how back in the Middle East, pharmacies are not as monitored as they are here and he started experimenting at his friend's father's pharmacy. While they were learning about pharmaceuticals, they would go back to the pharmacy and try them out after hours. It was then that he realized that his drug of choice was narcotics. Wonderful!!! Thought: so, I married a thief who is also a drug addict!! This is going to be great!
I don't know why I decided not to leave. I have no idea. It might have been the notion that marriage is forever and it is possible he might change. It might have been my upbringing. I was taught that there's no getting out of marriage for any reason. I remembered a story that I had heard years before when I was really young. My dad told it about a woman who had left her husband and went back to her father's house. I had asked my dad what he would do and he had said that he would send me back to my husband. Marriage is forever - for good or for bad. FML! I believe that was the thought process during this time period.
Somehow, after the fourth day, I remembered that I might not have thrown out the bottle of his Tylenol with codeine. I found it, gave it to him and he was able to get out of the "situation" because it is conceivable that he would have 100 pills for 4-5 months. I wish I didn't help. I really wish I just let him fry. I wish I didn't have my father's voice ringing in my ears because as it turned out, my father would not send me back to my husband. I wish I was wiser. But hey, you can't cry over spilled milk, you just move on and make the best of things.
Let's take a step back possibly about a month or so after we were married and about 2-3 months before my stunning discovery. It was yet another evening where I had had enough of the lack of his interest in me. I was once again bringing it up. As difficult as it was for me, I even tried watching porn with him. It didn't work for me or him. I just couldn't get it. He then says, it is because he took a Tylenol with codeine. It is probably a side effect of it. I took a step back, looked at him, and said, "Why in the world would you take a Tylenol with codeine???" He hesitated and said that it was because of a tooth ache. Come on! Was I born yesterday? That was complete and utter bullshit and I called him on it. I asked him where he got it. He said that it was prescribed to him. I said when? He said that his cousin's husband had prescribed them to him right after the wedding. Interesting...what for? So he gave me the whole tooth ache song and dance. I got up went into the bathroom vanity and checked on the bottle. There were about 100 pills prescribed. 100!!!! There were 6 left. 6 out of 100 pills left!!!! 94 pills taken over the course of one month!!!! Is he effing kidding me!!??!! That's an average of about 3 pills a day. That's insane!!!! I can't even take one pill. I hate how it makes me feel. I shared this with him and he says (oh God I can't believe he says this, but he does), "Some people get dysphoria but most people feel euphoria. I experience euphoria when I take it." But yet, the story was a tooth ache was it? Ridiculous! Caught in his own lie within the same conversation! I was livid! I once again lost my cool. I screamed. I yelled. I threw the remaining 6 pills into the toilet and flushed. You would think I flushed his first born down the toilet. It was his turn to lose it. He almost hit me several times during his screaming rage. The wall right near my face got a pretty good beating. I was scared out of my mind. He cornered me in the bathroom and was using some real psychological torture technique on me. It was the first time I was literally afraid of getting my face obliterated by a psychotic freak. I thought about walking out then. I didn't know what to do. I had no place to go. I had no money to my name. I wasn't employed. I had spent all of my money on the wedding - literally every dime that I had was spent on the wedding as he contributed approximately $250. I was trapped! There was no amount of persuasion that was going to get me to sleep next to him that night. I was afraid. I had no money. I had no one in this shit town in the middle of no where. I had no credit cards either. Literally trapped with no options! I was up all night that night and the next and the next.
It took him 3 days, but he apologized. He talked about how much he loved me and how I was his whole life there and we only had each other, etc. I still had a huge knot in my stomach and I didn't know what else to do. He hugged me, begged for my forgiveness and promised that he would never touch any of that stuff again, buuuuut...he warned that if I ever pulled a stunt (a stunt?) like that again that he would divorce me on the spot. Wow! Comforting!!
Let's fast forward about 3, maybe 4, months later. I was in a school doing a substitute teaching assignment where I couldn't use my phone so I typically kept it in my purse turned off. When I turned it back on, there were about a dozen voicemail messages from him asking me when I'd finish. They started out calm and then turned into panic and then just crazy. I called him back immediately. He needed me to come home quickly. I asked if he was hurt or if he was in danger. He said no that it wasn't anything that required immediate attention but it was urgent and he really needed me. I promised to be home as soon as the last bell rang. I said that I was sorry that I couldn't just walk out as I'm there substituting for someone else but I'd leave immediately. I only had about an hour and a half left. I raced home to see what was wrong. Small town = home in 5 minutes.
When I got home, he was pacing the apartment in a panic. Back and forth, sweat pouring down his face, his dark face red and just basically he was a mess. I asked what was wrong and the story came out:
He had been randomly selected for a drug test. He was positive for opiates. Why the F would he be if I threw what was left of any narcotic in the apartment down the toilet was the thought that came to my mind and I asked. So, apparently one of his coworkers was going through some real live personal problems. His life was a mess - a real mess. I don't want to get into it right now because it really is sad. He was Iranian and he was bringing in the Tylenol with codeine from Iran in vitamin bottles. He was smuggling narcotics into the the US and providing my dear husband with pills on a regular basis. He was panicked about his job. He had just started his residency. The year before was just a way for him to get in the door, but this was the real deal. This was his career. They would probably retest him. He was suspended immediately until further investigation. I was stunned! He was taking prescription pills from Iran that were smuggled in vitamin bottles and his fear was his career? How about jail? He wasn't a citizen yet. He only had a green card. How about deportation? This was a mess!!! He was worried about what his mommy would think if she found out. I was thinking how fast do I get out of this? But where do I go and what do I do? He then asked me to go with him to his friend's apartment so that we can make sure he doesn't say anything about the Iran smuggling thing. Ok...so at least he is thinking about this. We go to his friend's apartment and his friend is now only concerned that no one point in his direction. What buffoons! What assholes! No one even thought to admit there was a much bigger problem - a narcotic drug addiction among the residents of this program.
For the next 3 days, I nursed this ass through his withdrawal but it wasn't until his 4th day that he admitted that it was withdrawal and he started talking about the dangers of narcotic withdrawal. He swore he would never touch the stuff again and never take anything again. He promised that he was a changed man. I then started hearing about all the stories of how back in the Middle East, pharmacies are not as monitored as they are here and he started experimenting at his friend's father's pharmacy. While they were learning about pharmaceuticals, they would go back to the pharmacy and try them out after hours. It was then that he realized that his drug of choice was narcotics. Wonderful!!! Thought: so, I married a thief who is also a drug addict!! This is going to be great!
I don't know why I decided not to leave. I have no idea. It might have been the notion that marriage is forever and it is possible he might change. It might have been my upbringing. I was taught that there's no getting out of marriage for any reason. I remembered a story that I had heard years before when I was really young. My dad told it about a woman who had left her husband and went back to her father's house. I had asked my dad what he would do and he had said that he would send me back to my husband. Marriage is forever - for good or for bad. FML! I believe that was the thought process during this time period.
Somehow, after the fourth day, I remembered that I might not have thrown out the bottle of his Tylenol with codeine. I found it, gave it to him and he was able to get out of the "situation" because it is conceivable that he would have 100 pills for 4-5 months. I wish I didn't help. I really wish I just let him fry. I wish I didn't have my father's voice ringing in my ears because as it turned out, my father would not send me back to my husband. I wish I was wiser. But hey, you can't cry over spilled milk, you just move on and make the best of things.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Father Of The Century!!!!
It is hard to just casually write a post today about how my so-called marriage deteriorated because I was served with divorce papers yesterday. I'm not upset about the divorce. I welcome that. It is his unbelievably retarded accusations with reference to our son that drives me insane. He is claiming that I will not foster a good relationship with his son meanwhile, all he has ever done was give him a hug and kiss before he goes to bed. I've been with my dad since August and I have freely allowed him to take our son any time he asks. However, he can't take care of him alone. He needed to take him to his mommy's house the two times that he took him.
He is incapable of caring for his son on his own. Whenever I left our son with him, he would do the very absolute basics. On many occasions, when my son is sick, I would call to check on him throughout the day and my husband would be out in the garage smoking a cigarette. I would ask where my son was and he'd say he's in his high chair watching TV - every time, several times during the day. Then I would come home and find my husband sitting in the garage smoking and on his iPhone while my son is in his high chair. This is every time he stays home with him. I don't know if he was in there all day or it is just coincidence that EVERY time I called and EVERY time I come home, he happens to be in the high chair, but it is hard to come up with any other conclusion than to assume he keeps him in his high chair all day.
There was this one time that my son was beginning to feel better but I felt he could use one more day of rest and since my husband was off that day, I asked him to stay home with him. I went to work and it was decided that they would meet me at Costco that evening after work. Since I am responsible for taking care of every single thing when it comes to the house, including preparing my son's dinner and lunch as well as bathe him and get him ready for bed. My dear husband used to literally disappear upstairs once I came home. So, throughout the day, I asked him many times to please give our son a bath. I must have been the biggest nag that day. I know that I felt like a nag and even reprimanded myself for being one and that I should definitely give him the benefit of the doubt. I had appealed to him saying that after spending the evening in Costco, I won't have too much time to cook, feed, prepare lunch, put away the food, as well as giving the bath so that he can get to bed at a reasonable hour. Because he wasn't feeling well, we had skipped the bath the night before so he really needed a bath. When I met them at Costco, my son ran toward me and I picked him up. The first thing I noticed is that he was wearing the same clothes that he was wearing the night before. He had fallen asleep in sweatpants and a t-shirt, which he was never changed out of, which means he didn't get a bath. I got annoyed but whatever. Then, as I picked my son up, I got a distinct whiff of urine. I checked to see if he was wet and he wasn't. I asked if he had an accident that day and both of them said that he hadn't. I couldn't understand why then he smelled like urine. The smell was overwhelming throughout the shopping experience. I kept asking the same question over and over. Did he get some pee on his pants while he went to the bathroom? I was told no but nothing made any sense. I asked him what time he woke up? Apparently they both stayed asleep until 11 am. My son had awakened at around 8, but that was too early for my husband so he plopped him in bed next to him and they both fell asleep again until 11. He didn't take him to the bathroom or anything - just plopped him in bed next to him. I assumed he must have had an accident on my bed and my husband just didn't notice and 4 hours is enough to have that pee dry up. I was livid. He left him in his pee stained clothes all day and didn't give him a bath as I had asked. He barked at me to stop talking about it because he felt sooooo baaaad and that he was feeling guilty that he didn't notice and that he didn't take him to the bathroom in the morning. I told him that he should feel guilty and dropped it. Then, when we went home, I took my son up to give him a bath and change him immediately as well as check on my bed. My bed was totally clean - nothing wet, nothing that smelled like urine - nothing! I went to my son's bed and there it was - the whole sheet smelled. When I changed him out of his clothes for the bath, his white undershirt was stained in a yellow hue up until the neck and he had a light rash throughout his whole body. Essentially, my son had an accident while he was sleeping, which woke him up at 8, he went to his father, who ignored his wet clothes and his need to change, and just plopped him in bed so that he, the adult, the father, the supposed caregiver, to continue sleeping.
Yes, he should have full custody of our son! He is perfectly capable and does a great job. Yes, he should have full custody of our son because my son gives him a hug and kiss and shows him his toys when he sees him. Oh yeah! That's exactly why he should have full custody. He's such a good father!
He is incapable of caring for his son on his own. Whenever I left our son with him, he would do the very absolute basics. On many occasions, when my son is sick, I would call to check on him throughout the day and my husband would be out in the garage smoking a cigarette. I would ask where my son was and he'd say he's in his high chair watching TV - every time, several times during the day. Then I would come home and find my husband sitting in the garage smoking and on his iPhone while my son is in his high chair. This is every time he stays home with him. I don't know if he was in there all day or it is just coincidence that EVERY time I called and EVERY time I come home, he happens to be in the high chair, but it is hard to come up with any other conclusion than to assume he keeps him in his high chair all day.
There was this one time that my son was beginning to feel better but I felt he could use one more day of rest and since my husband was off that day, I asked him to stay home with him. I went to work and it was decided that they would meet me at Costco that evening after work. Since I am responsible for taking care of every single thing when it comes to the house, including preparing my son's dinner and lunch as well as bathe him and get him ready for bed. My dear husband used to literally disappear upstairs once I came home. So, throughout the day, I asked him many times to please give our son a bath. I must have been the biggest nag that day. I know that I felt like a nag and even reprimanded myself for being one and that I should definitely give him the benefit of the doubt. I had appealed to him saying that after spending the evening in Costco, I won't have too much time to cook, feed, prepare lunch, put away the food, as well as giving the bath so that he can get to bed at a reasonable hour. Because he wasn't feeling well, we had skipped the bath the night before so he really needed a bath. When I met them at Costco, my son ran toward me and I picked him up. The first thing I noticed is that he was wearing the same clothes that he was wearing the night before. He had fallen asleep in sweatpants and a t-shirt, which he was never changed out of, which means he didn't get a bath. I got annoyed but whatever. Then, as I picked my son up, I got a distinct whiff of urine. I checked to see if he was wet and he wasn't. I asked if he had an accident that day and both of them said that he hadn't. I couldn't understand why then he smelled like urine. The smell was overwhelming throughout the shopping experience. I kept asking the same question over and over. Did he get some pee on his pants while he went to the bathroom? I was told no but nothing made any sense. I asked him what time he woke up? Apparently they both stayed asleep until 11 am. My son had awakened at around 8, but that was too early for my husband so he plopped him in bed next to him and they both fell asleep again until 11. He didn't take him to the bathroom or anything - just plopped him in bed next to him. I assumed he must have had an accident on my bed and my husband just didn't notice and 4 hours is enough to have that pee dry up. I was livid. He left him in his pee stained clothes all day and didn't give him a bath as I had asked. He barked at me to stop talking about it because he felt sooooo baaaad and that he was feeling guilty that he didn't notice and that he didn't take him to the bathroom in the morning. I told him that he should feel guilty and dropped it. Then, when we went home, I took my son up to give him a bath and change him immediately as well as check on my bed. My bed was totally clean - nothing wet, nothing that smelled like urine - nothing! I went to my son's bed and there it was - the whole sheet smelled. When I changed him out of his clothes for the bath, his white undershirt was stained in a yellow hue up until the neck and he had a light rash throughout his whole body. Essentially, my son had an accident while he was sleeping, which woke him up at 8, he went to his father, who ignored his wet clothes and his need to change, and just plopped him in bed so that he, the adult, the father, the supposed caregiver, to continue sleeping.
Yes, he should have full custody of our son! He is perfectly capable and does a great job. Yes, he should have full custody of our son because my son gives him a hug and kiss and shows him his toys when he sees him. Oh yeah! That's exactly why he should have full custody. He's such a good father!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Oh NO! My $40 Hair Serum Is NOT Your Lube!!!
I walked into the computer room and I thought "Oh no he didn't! NOT my hair serum! Are you effing kidding me??? What is it doing here?" I was livid! That hair serum was from Sephora and it had lasted over a year already and it was for $40. I only used a drop every time I straightened my hair and now it was empty. I had so much left over the last time I used it!!! What a F-wad!
By this time, we had been married for a few months. We had had so many fights about the lack of sex in our marriage. It got ugly. He said he didn't like sleeping with me because of my attitude. He said that I turned him off when I argued. I'm not a needy person generally, but come on! Months? We're newlywed. I had a right to argue and wonder why the hell he didn't want me. Also, by this time, I had been so bored that I picked up a substitute teaching gig. It was a little extra cash and it was a way for me to get out of the house. I welcomed it with open arms. Ok so it isn't like I loved it or enjoyed it, but the little high school boys were always telling me that I was hot or if they were being polite, beautiful. I was beginning to feel a little confident but he knew exactly how to make me feel awful. I still felt ugly and gross in front of him. But that wasn't even the big issue...
The fighting started getting intense because one day I was sitting in bed watching TV before I fell asleep. It was late and he was going to "do a couple of things on the computer." It had been an uneventful day. He went to work, I went to work. I came home, cooked dinner, he came home, we ate, I made a few calls as I usually did to keep me occupied before I went to bed, then we were both in bed getting ready to sleep. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then, from the other side of the wall, I started hearing...ummm...let's just say I heard the sounds you would hear if your were watching a women's tennis match - a lot of moans and grunts. I lowered the volume on the television to listen. I was appalled. I was shocked and confused. Why? Why would he need to watch porn? So I sat patiently and waited... Maybe he was looking for a turn-on. 5, 10, 15, minutes went by...he didn't come back to bed. Then I heard him go into the bathroom, turn on the water, flush, then come to bed and within a couple of minutes he was asleep and snoring.
What the....nothing about that made sense.
I went to the computer to check the history. Yup! Definitely porn! Ok, let it go. Maybe it was a one time thing. This continued to happen nightly for a few days. The same scenario every night. He'd wait until I was in bed and then go to the computer in the other room. So, one night, I decided to creep into the room to catch him red-handed. I needed to do it quickly because I didn't want to catch him any other kind of handed. The idea of that was enough to make me want to throw up! I caught him and confronted him. This will be hard to believe, but he actually denied it. There's two people doing the nasty on the computer screen in crazy gross detail as he says, "No. I don't watch porn." It's right there on the freakin screen!!! Are you kidding me??? The story is it was a pop-up. I laughed so hard, but then I called him a liar and we fought and fought and fought. I showed him the history...needless to say he started deleting history going forward...and asked him how in the world can that many pop-ups attack him while he's on the computer meanwhile not one would appear when I was on the computer. He continued to deny it. I must have a stupid look to me cause he seriously believed that I was.
The point is, he didn't stop. But I was appalled by this gross behavior on such a regular basis. He became a bit more savvy about it...I wasn't in the next room unless he thought that I was completely asleep and he would almost always erase the history, but it kept happening. I had to hide all of my lotions and creams because I kept finding them on the computer desk. I loved the time that I found my Chanel face cream along with paper towels. I hid everything except for my hair products. Then I found my empty $40 hair serum.
I found out how to put parental controls on the computer and hid all of my hair products as well. He still found a way. Even as recently as the last time I saw him, I still keep finding pretty wonderful things on the computer every once in a while when he forgets to erase history. Gross! Repulsive! Disgusting man! But I'm a slut...
By this time, we had been married for a few months. We had had so many fights about the lack of sex in our marriage. It got ugly. He said he didn't like sleeping with me because of my attitude. He said that I turned him off when I argued. I'm not a needy person generally, but come on! Months? We're newlywed. I had a right to argue and wonder why the hell he didn't want me. Also, by this time, I had been so bored that I picked up a substitute teaching gig. It was a little extra cash and it was a way for me to get out of the house. I welcomed it with open arms. Ok so it isn't like I loved it or enjoyed it, but the little high school boys were always telling me that I was hot or if they were being polite, beautiful. I was beginning to feel a little confident but he knew exactly how to make me feel awful. I still felt ugly and gross in front of him. But that wasn't even the big issue...
The fighting started getting intense because one day I was sitting in bed watching TV before I fell asleep. It was late and he was going to "do a couple of things on the computer." It had been an uneventful day. He went to work, I went to work. I came home, cooked dinner, he came home, we ate, I made a few calls as I usually did to keep me occupied before I went to bed, then we were both in bed getting ready to sleep. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then, from the other side of the wall, I started hearing...ummm...let's just say I heard the sounds you would hear if your were watching a women's tennis match - a lot of moans and grunts. I lowered the volume on the television to listen. I was appalled. I was shocked and confused. Why? Why would he need to watch porn? So I sat patiently and waited... Maybe he was looking for a turn-on. 5, 10, 15, minutes went by...he didn't come back to bed. Then I heard him go into the bathroom, turn on the water, flush, then come to bed and within a couple of minutes he was asleep and snoring.
What the....nothing about that made sense.
I went to the computer to check the history. Yup! Definitely porn! Ok, let it go. Maybe it was a one time thing. This continued to happen nightly for a few days. The same scenario every night. He'd wait until I was in bed and then go to the computer in the other room. So, one night, I decided to creep into the room to catch him red-handed. I needed to do it quickly because I didn't want to catch him any other kind of handed. The idea of that was enough to make me want to throw up! I caught him and confronted him. This will be hard to believe, but he actually denied it. There's two people doing the nasty on the computer screen in crazy gross detail as he says, "No. I don't watch porn." It's right there on the freakin screen!!! Are you kidding me??? The story is it was a pop-up. I laughed so hard, but then I called him a liar and we fought and fought and fought. I showed him the history...needless to say he started deleting history going forward...and asked him how in the world can that many pop-ups attack him while he's on the computer meanwhile not one would appear when I was on the computer. He continued to deny it. I must have a stupid look to me cause he seriously believed that I was.
The point is, he didn't stop. But I was appalled by this gross behavior on such a regular basis. He became a bit more savvy about it...I wasn't in the next room unless he thought that I was completely asleep and he would almost always erase the history, but it kept happening. I had to hide all of my lotions and creams because I kept finding them on the computer desk. I loved the time that I found my Chanel face cream along with paper towels. I hid everything except for my hair products. Then I found my empty $40 hair serum.
I found out how to put parental controls on the computer and hid all of my hair products as well. He still found a way. Even as recently as the last time I saw him, I still keep finding pretty wonderful things on the computer every once in a while when he forgets to erase history. Gross! Repulsive! Disgusting man! But I'm a slut...
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Runaway Bride Heroes
Current thoughts as I type this post is F U MF, I don't need you in my life to enjoy family time, I don't need you to have fun, I don't need you to be happy. It is actually quite the opposite. I needed to get rid of you in order to be all of those things.
I just had an amazing weekend. Friday, I decided to get my hair done as well as get a mani/pedi with a friend. Then after that, we went out together as a family for some amazing sushi. It was so nice to be with them. That alone made me so giddy. I haven't felt that way in a long time. We were laughing so much we were crying throughout the dinner. My family is amazing! Saturday, I hung out with my friends and we did a little Christmas shopping. It was another extremely enjoyable day. In the evening, my sister and I went to buy a Christmas tree and decorations. After going to a brunch in honor of our friend's birthday today, we came home to put up the tree and decorate it. I am blessed with an amazing family and amazing friends and this weekend was spent with a bunch of them. They remind me of how happy life can be without the burden of a douche bag on your shoulders.
Right from the beginning it was a stifling life. Right from the beginning it was filled with lies. I still reprimand myself for not leaving his ass and calling off the wedding the first time I realized he lied to me unnecessarily. Or leaving him in AC to find his own way home the second time I caught him in a major lie. The second major lie was very hurtful both to my pride and to my heart. His coworker's wedding was the week or month before. He swore to me that he was invited alone and that no one was bringing their wives or fiancées. I kept pushing because there's no way! A wedding is not an office holiday party. It is rude and completely in poor taste to invite people without significant others. But he swore to me that was the case and blamed it on the couple's culture and called the entire group of people rude in general. Nice, right? Then, we go to AC with his coworkers and their significant others and they all tell me that they thought I was a phantom. When I asked why? They said because I'm never available to go out with them. I'm always too busy at work or not feeling well when they get together (I was unemployed and hadn't gotten sick in years). I was even too busy to go to the wedding that they all expected me to attend. It was the first time I actually felt blood rush to my head and feel the physical signs of rising blood pressure. I was so angry that I don't remember much of what happened next. I know I was chased by him to come back and not leave. I know I threatened to leave him and was very willing to do it but he professed his so called love. But I also know that I kept thinking about all the deposits and payments that I had made toward the wedding and how much money I'd lose.
I have so much respect for runaway brides or brides that walk away at the alter or even the brides that just call it off. You are my heroes! If I had just listened to the signs instead of thinking that it can get better once we're married. I wouldn't be where I am today. I would have lost the deposits but I would have saved the money that will be spent on the divorce. I stand and applaud every runaway bride that ever lived and every future bride to be who recognizes the signs and walks out before it becomes serious.
I just had an amazing weekend. Friday, I decided to get my hair done as well as get a mani/pedi with a friend. Then after that, we went out together as a family for some amazing sushi. It was so nice to be with them. That alone made me so giddy. I haven't felt that way in a long time. We were laughing so much we were crying throughout the dinner. My family is amazing! Saturday, I hung out with my friends and we did a little Christmas shopping. It was another extremely enjoyable day. In the evening, my sister and I went to buy a Christmas tree and decorations. After going to a brunch in honor of our friend's birthday today, we came home to put up the tree and decorate it. I am blessed with an amazing family and amazing friends and this weekend was spent with a bunch of them. They remind me of how happy life can be without the burden of a douche bag on your shoulders.
Right from the beginning it was a stifling life. Right from the beginning it was filled with lies. I still reprimand myself for not leaving his ass and calling off the wedding the first time I realized he lied to me unnecessarily. Or leaving him in AC to find his own way home the second time I caught him in a major lie. The second major lie was very hurtful both to my pride and to my heart. His coworker's wedding was the week or month before. He swore to me that he was invited alone and that no one was bringing their wives or fiancées. I kept pushing because there's no way! A wedding is not an office holiday party. It is rude and completely in poor taste to invite people without significant others. But he swore to me that was the case and blamed it on the couple's culture and called the entire group of people rude in general. Nice, right? Then, we go to AC with his coworkers and their significant others and they all tell me that they thought I was a phantom. When I asked why? They said because I'm never available to go out with them. I'm always too busy at work or not feeling well when they get together (I was unemployed and hadn't gotten sick in years). I was even too busy to go to the wedding that they all expected me to attend. It was the first time I actually felt blood rush to my head and feel the physical signs of rising blood pressure. I was so angry that I don't remember much of what happened next. I know I was chased by him to come back and not leave. I know I threatened to leave him and was very willing to do it but he professed his so called love. But I also know that I kept thinking about all the deposits and payments that I had made toward the wedding and how much money I'd lose.
I have so much respect for runaway brides or brides that walk away at the alter or even the brides that just call it off. You are my heroes! If I had just listened to the signs instead of thinking that it can get better once we're married. I wouldn't be where I am today. I would have lost the deposits but I would have saved the money that will be spent on the divorce. I stand and applaud every runaway bride that ever lived and every future bride to be who recognizes the signs and walks out before it becomes serious.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thank You In Advance
I'd like to take a step back and let people get a glimpse of my current life...November 2012 and why I'm doing this.
Right now, I'm living in my dad's house with my sister and brother and my 4 year old son. Like I've mentioned before, I come from a very strict Middle Easter background. I love being with my family, but I can feel my father's disapproval for deciding to Finally leave my husband. It is hard to know that he disapproves. However, I've never been happy in my marriage...not from the first day. I let it go on thinking that if I expressed myself and how I felt that maybe he could somehow change. I have always believed that people are all genuinely, down to the core, good. People aren't naturally assholes and if you let them know that the actions they take or the things they say make you feel bad, that they would want to change. But that didn't happen in my marriage. If I told him that I didn't like something, it was almost like it was an invitation to do or say it more. I'll never forget the day I came home from work and he was lying down in bed eating a sandwich and I started changing out of my work clothes. We had been married for a bit over a year (I had mentioned on numerous occasions how much I don't like sleeping with crumbs and asked many times that he stop eating in my bed but more on that later). He decided that while I was changing was a good time to let me know "Wow! You've really put on some weight!" Why, thank you sir. Thank you for pointing that out to me. No, I hadn't noticed. It is my body but I am totally clueless as to how much weight I've gained. I also didn't notice that your super fat ass is sitting like a pig in his own filth IN MY BED - maybe I should point that out. But I didn't. Instead, I calmly told him to please stop pointing out my weight gain. I'm very insecure about how I look and I notice every pound. I really don't need to be reminded. I don't need to be told. I know before anyone notices and I struggle with it. I asked him nicely with an explanation that would appeal to his sense of humanity and if he cared about me, he would understand and stop. But no, he told me he was just being honest and he wouldn't want to lie to me and continued to tell me every time he noticed.
The past 7+ years have been weird. I've been trying to make the best of a bad situation. He's been trying to be comfortable and have a great time no matter how it affects me. He's abusive mentally, emotionally and when things get out of his control, he's also violent, vindictive, and hurtful. I've been trying to overlook all the bad and focus on the good. I've left before and I came back after all kinds of priests got involved and told me to consider my son and how he needs his father in his life. I've attempted the reconciliation thing. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do that. Once I've been hurt enough to want to leave, I do just that and don't look back! But, for the sake of my son, I tried to stay. Things got worse not better. Some things stopped happening but only out of fear that he will be exposed again. Everything else got worse (more on all of this to come).
I was encouraged to write this blog by an old friend from high school. She too has been through a lot and her blog is addictive. She mentioned that she was getting support from absolute strangers. That alone gave me the courage to start. My Middle Eastern background will encourage many people to try to convince me that I shouldn't leave. I know that I should. I know that my son will be much better off without the example of his father tainting him. I know that I will be able to live peacefully and that my son will not have to live in a house that is filled with turmoil all the time. But, I also know that people don't see what I see behind closed doors and they may use my son as a tool to push me back into the abuse. The support and encouragement that I will get from my readers will help me stay on track. Writing these memoirs will also remind me of what it was like to live with him. Living with my family and being around my friends is so amazing and it makes me so happy that I forget what hell felt like.
I am not broken. I am not sad. I am not angry. I am not impulsive. I am not emotional. I don't have any feeling for him good or bad. That's the thing. I'm not trying to get back at him. He will meet his maker one day and deal with the repercussions on his own. I am not crying over any loss cause you can't lose what you didn't have.
I am empowered and because of your support I will get through all of this and prevail.
So, for that, I thank you all in advance.
Right now, I'm living in my dad's house with my sister and brother and my 4 year old son. Like I've mentioned before, I come from a very strict Middle Easter background. I love being with my family, but I can feel my father's disapproval for deciding to Finally leave my husband. It is hard to know that he disapproves. However, I've never been happy in my marriage...not from the first day. I let it go on thinking that if I expressed myself and how I felt that maybe he could somehow change. I have always believed that people are all genuinely, down to the core, good. People aren't naturally assholes and if you let them know that the actions they take or the things they say make you feel bad, that they would want to change. But that didn't happen in my marriage. If I told him that I didn't like something, it was almost like it was an invitation to do or say it more. I'll never forget the day I came home from work and he was lying down in bed eating a sandwich and I started changing out of my work clothes. We had been married for a bit over a year (I had mentioned on numerous occasions how much I don't like sleeping with crumbs and asked many times that he stop eating in my bed but more on that later). He decided that while I was changing was a good time to let me know "Wow! You've really put on some weight!" Why, thank you sir. Thank you for pointing that out to me. No, I hadn't noticed. It is my body but I am totally clueless as to how much weight I've gained. I also didn't notice that your super fat ass is sitting like a pig in his own filth IN MY BED - maybe I should point that out. But I didn't. Instead, I calmly told him to please stop pointing out my weight gain. I'm very insecure about how I look and I notice every pound. I really don't need to be reminded. I don't need to be told. I know before anyone notices and I struggle with it. I asked him nicely with an explanation that would appeal to his sense of humanity and if he cared about me, he would understand and stop. But no, he told me he was just being honest and he wouldn't want to lie to me and continued to tell me every time he noticed.
The past 7+ years have been weird. I've been trying to make the best of a bad situation. He's been trying to be comfortable and have a great time no matter how it affects me. He's abusive mentally, emotionally and when things get out of his control, he's also violent, vindictive, and hurtful. I've been trying to overlook all the bad and focus on the good. I've left before and I came back after all kinds of priests got involved and told me to consider my son and how he needs his father in his life. I've attempted the reconciliation thing. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do that. Once I've been hurt enough to want to leave, I do just that and don't look back! But, for the sake of my son, I tried to stay. Things got worse not better. Some things stopped happening but only out of fear that he will be exposed again. Everything else got worse (more on all of this to come).
I was encouraged to write this blog by an old friend from high school. She too has been through a lot and her blog is addictive. She mentioned that she was getting support from absolute strangers. That alone gave me the courage to start. My Middle Eastern background will encourage many people to try to convince me that I shouldn't leave. I know that I should. I know that my son will be much better off without the example of his father tainting him. I know that I will be able to live peacefully and that my son will not have to live in a house that is filled with turmoil all the time. But, I also know that people don't see what I see behind closed doors and they may use my son as a tool to push me back into the abuse. The support and encouragement that I will get from my readers will help me stay on track. Writing these memoirs will also remind me of what it was like to live with him. Living with my family and being around my friends is so amazing and it makes me so happy that I forget what hell felt like.
I am not broken. I am not sad. I am not angry. I am not impulsive. I am not emotional. I don't have any feeling for him good or bad. That's the thing. I'm not trying to get back at him. He will meet his maker one day and deal with the repercussions on his own. I am not crying over any loss cause you can't lose what you didn't have.
I am empowered and because of your support I will get through all of this and prevail.
So, for that, I thank you all in advance.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
You Don't Have A Dunkin Donuts???????
My next few weeks in west nowhere saw a LOT of tears. I'd like to mention that I'm not a cryer. I just don't do it much. Up until this point in my life, I really didn't need to. Up until I got married, I could count on one hand how many times I had cried in my adult life - movies were the exception. I'm talking about real life NEED to cry - I very rarely needed to do it. It isn't because I have no emotions, although some would argue that point, but it is because it has to be pretty effing bad to draw tears from my eyes.
I was alone all the time and lonely. I knew no one. I saw no one except for my new husband's co-workers only on rare occasions. I got to know Giada DeLaurentis, Paula Deen, Bobby Flay, and Rachel Ray very well. My apartment was always spotless and a new and delicious dinner was always ready for my husband every night. I'll have to give it to him - he used to say "thank you. that was delicious," after every meal. Then, he would get up, leave his plate on the table and go into the bed to watch TV. We had an awesome TV and living room that he insisted on buying as soon as we arrived, but he chose to sleep in bed and watch the little TV that I had brought with me from my old room at my dad's house. I could never understand why he couldn't stay in the living room. I'd clean up the dishes and kitchen and get ready to go into bed and snuggle. Who knows? Maybe tonight would be different? It was never different. I'd make advances. I'd get rejected. And this went on for a few weeks.
I know the second time during our marriage was about a month after the first time, but I don't remember when that was. It was that earth shattering. What I do know is that it wasn't when I greeted him at the door with a trench coat and literally the sexiest bra and thong in my closet. It did nothing for him. He actually yelled at me for putting too much pressure on him. He told me to get dressed - this wasn't going to work. He doesn't perform on command and he can't be pressured into it. Then he kindly called me a slut for the first time and told me that I turned him off. Yeah, that was fun. I cried and cried and cried. I yelled back and told him he didn't appreciate that I was so willing and that we were newlywed and that other men would love their wives to be so willing, but I forgot to call him gay! Literally, that was all he could be...(not that there's anything wrong with that). How do you get angry at your new bride for wearing something sexy unless you just aren't into girls? I was a mad woman and fought with all my might about it all. The more he spoke and implied that I was a sex addict and that there was something wrong with me and I was crazy, the more I got angry. I kept on crying and telling him that he was making me feel ugly, fat and unattractive but that actually made him even more mad. He said that all women were crazy and it isn't always about them. It didn't help. I was still angry, I dropped it just cause I couldn't cry anymore and then I slept in the guest room that night. Back then, he cared and would try to apologize and ask me, then pull me and drag me to come back to bed in our room. So I did. There was no making up - there was just a lot of snoring as I raised the volume and watched infomercials.
The next day, it was his day off. We were going to do something - I don't remember what. The plan was to find a Dunkin Donuts, get some coffee, then be on our way. We drove around the entire town - something that can be done in 20 minutes looking for a Dunkin Donuts and we couldn't find one. We finally decided to ask. I figured I'd ask the workers inside the nearest McDonald's.
Excuse me, where's the closest Dunkin Donuts? We're new here and can't seem to find it.
(Blank stare) What's that?
You don't know what Dunkin Donuts is??? Are you serious? It is a coffee and donut shop. It is all over the world. It is a staple in everyone's morning. Why don't you know what it is?? Where am I?? (Turn to him) Where have you taken me????
(Yeah, I kinda lost it)
Then I ordered McDonald's coffee, which was gross, calmed down and we left to be on our way to wherever we were going and whatever we were doing. All irrelevant - I'm spending the next 3 years of my life in a shit town that doesn't even have a Dunkin Donuts with a shit husband who thinks I'm a slut.
No one mentioned the events of the night before.
Just FYI:
The only bakery was Walmart
The only florist was Walmart
The only real clothing store was JC Penny
The only diner was Perkins
The mall on a Saturday had 10 people in it at most
That night...I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a good 20 minutes.
I was alone all the time and lonely. I knew no one. I saw no one except for my new husband's co-workers only on rare occasions. I got to know Giada DeLaurentis, Paula Deen, Bobby Flay, and Rachel Ray very well. My apartment was always spotless and a new and delicious dinner was always ready for my husband every night. I'll have to give it to him - he used to say "thank you. that was delicious," after every meal. Then, he would get up, leave his plate on the table and go into the bed to watch TV. We had an awesome TV and living room that he insisted on buying as soon as we arrived, but he chose to sleep in bed and watch the little TV that I had brought with me from my old room at my dad's house. I could never understand why he couldn't stay in the living room. I'd clean up the dishes and kitchen and get ready to go into bed and snuggle. Who knows? Maybe tonight would be different? It was never different. I'd make advances. I'd get rejected. And this went on for a few weeks.
I know the second time during our marriage was about a month after the first time, but I don't remember when that was. It was that earth shattering. What I do know is that it wasn't when I greeted him at the door with a trench coat and literally the sexiest bra and thong in my closet. It did nothing for him. He actually yelled at me for putting too much pressure on him. He told me to get dressed - this wasn't going to work. He doesn't perform on command and he can't be pressured into it. Then he kindly called me a slut for the first time and told me that I turned him off. Yeah, that was fun. I cried and cried and cried. I yelled back and told him he didn't appreciate that I was so willing and that we were newlywed and that other men would love their wives to be so willing, but I forgot to call him gay! Literally, that was all he could be...(not that there's anything wrong with that). How do you get angry at your new bride for wearing something sexy unless you just aren't into girls? I was a mad woman and fought with all my might about it all. The more he spoke and implied that I was a sex addict and that there was something wrong with me and I was crazy, the more I got angry. I kept on crying and telling him that he was making me feel ugly, fat and unattractive but that actually made him even more mad. He said that all women were crazy and it isn't always about them. It didn't help. I was still angry, I dropped it just cause I couldn't cry anymore and then I slept in the guest room that night. Back then, he cared and would try to apologize and ask me, then pull me and drag me to come back to bed in our room. So I did. There was no making up - there was just a lot of snoring as I raised the volume and watched infomercials.
The next day, it was his day off. We were going to do something - I don't remember what. The plan was to find a Dunkin Donuts, get some coffee, then be on our way. We drove around the entire town - something that can be done in 20 minutes looking for a Dunkin Donuts and we couldn't find one. We finally decided to ask. I figured I'd ask the workers inside the nearest McDonald's.
Excuse me, where's the closest Dunkin Donuts? We're new here and can't seem to find it.
(Blank stare) What's that?
You don't know what Dunkin Donuts is??? Are you serious? It is a coffee and donut shop. It is all over the world. It is a staple in everyone's morning. Why don't you know what it is?? Where am I?? (Turn to him) Where have you taken me????
(Yeah, I kinda lost it)
Then I ordered McDonald's coffee, which was gross, calmed down and we left to be on our way to wherever we were going and whatever we were doing. All irrelevant - I'm spending the next 3 years of my life in a shit town that doesn't even have a Dunkin Donuts with a shit husband who thinks I'm a slut.
No one mentioned the events of the night before.
Just FYI:
The only bakery was Walmart
The only florist was Walmart
The only real clothing store was JC Penny
The only diner was Perkins
The mall on a Saturday had 10 people in it at most
That night...I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a good 20 minutes.
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