Thank You In Advance

I'd like to take a step back and let people get a glimpse of my current life...November 2012 and why I'm doing this.

Right now, I'm living in my dad's house with my sister and brother and my 4 year old son.  Like I've mentioned before, I come from a very strict Middle Easter background.  I love being with my family, but I can feel my father's disapproval for deciding to Finally leave my husband.  It is hard to know that he disapproves.  However, I've never been happy in my marriage...not from the first day.  I let it go on thinking that if I expressed myself and how I felt that maybe he could somehow change.  I have always believed that people are all genuinely, down to the core, good.  People aren't naturally assholes and if you let them know that the actions they take or the things they say make you feel bad, that they would want to change.  But that didn't happen in my marriage.  If I told him that I didn't like something, it was almost like it was an invitation to do or say it more.  I'll never forget the day I came home from work and he was lying down in bed eating a sandwich and I started changing out of my work clothes.  We had been married for a bit over a year (I had mentioned on numerous occasions how much I don't like sleeping with crumbs and asked many times that he stop eating in my bed but more on that later).  He decided that while I was changing was a good time to let me know "Wow!  You've really put on some weight!"  Why, thank you sir.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.  No, I hadn't noticed.  It is my body but I am totally clueless as to how much weight I've gained.  I also didn't notice that your super fat ass is sitting like a pig in his own filth IN MY BED - maybe I should point that out.  But I didn't.  Instead, I calmly told him to please stop pointing out my weight gain.  I'm very insecure about how I look and I notice every pound.  I really don't need to be reminded.  I don't need to be told.  I know before anyone notices and I struggle with it.  I asked him nicely with an explanation that would appeal to his sense of humanity and if he cared about me, he would understand and stop.  But no, he told me he was just being honest and he wouldn't want to lie to me and continued to tell me every time he noticed.

The past 7+ years have been weird.  I've been trying to make the best of a bad situation.  He's been trying to be comfortable and have a great time no matter how it affects me.  He's abusive mentally, emotionally and when things get out of his control, he's also violent, vindictive, and hurtful.  I've been trying to overlook all the bad and focus on the good.  I've left before and I came back after all kinds of priests got involved and told me to consider my son and how he needs his father in his life.  I've attempted the reconciliation thing.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do that.  Once I've been hurt enough to want to leave, I do just that and don't look back!  But, for the sake of my son, I tried to stay.  Things got worse not better.  Some things stopped happening but only out of fear that he will be exposed again.  Everything else got worse (more on all of this to come).

I was encouraged to write this blog by an old friend from high school.  She too has been through a lot and her blog is addictive.  She mentioned that she was getting support from absolute strangers.  That alone gave me the courage to start.  My Middle Eastern background will encourage many people to try to convince me that I shouldn't leave.  I know that I should.  I know that my son will be much better off without the example of his father tainting him.  I know that I will be able to live peacefully and that my son will not have to live in a house that is filled with turmoil all the time.  But, I also know that people don't see what I see behind closed doors and they may use my son as a tool to push me back into the abuse.  The support and encouragement that I will get from my readers will help me stay on track.  Writing these memoirs will also remind me of what it was like to live with him.  Living with my family and being around my friends is so amazing and it makes me so happy that I forget what hell felt like.

I am not broken.  I am not sad.  I am not angry.  I am not impulsive.  I am not emotional.  I don't have any feeling for him good or bad.  That's the thing.  I'm not trying to get back at him.  He will meet his maker one day and deal with the repercussions on his own.  I am not crying over any loss cause you can't lose what you didn't have.

I am empowered and because of your support I will get through all of this and prevail.

So, for that, I thank you all in advance.