My next few weeks in west nowhere saw a LOT of tears. I'd like to mention that I'm not a cryer. I just don't do it much. Up until this point in my life, I really didn't need to. Up until I got married, I could count on one hand how many times I had cried in my adult life - movies were the exception. I'm talking about real life NEED to cry - I very rarely needed to do it. It isn't because I have no emotions, although some would argue that point, but it is because it has to be pretty effing bad to draw tears from my eyes.
I was alone all the time and lonely. I knew no one. I saw no one except for my new husband's co-workers only on rare occasions. I got to know Giada DeLaurentis, Paula Deen, Bobby Flay, and Rachel Ray very well. My apartment was always spotless and a new and delicious dinner was always ready for my husband every night. I'll have to give it to him - he used to say "thank you. that was delicious," after every meal. Then, he would get up, leave his plate on the table and go into the bed to watch TV. We had an awesome TV and living room that he insisted on buying as soon as we arrived, but he chose to sleep in bed and watch the little TV that I had brought with me from my old room at my dad's house. I could never understand why he couldn't stay in the living room. I'd clean up the dishes and kitchen and get ready to go into bed and snuggle. Who knows? Maybe tonight would be different? It was never different. I'd make advances. I'd get rejected. And this went on for a few weeks.
I know the second time during our marriage was about a month after the first time, but I don't remember when that was. It was that earth shattering. What I do know is that it wasn't when I greeted him at the door with a trench coat and literally the sexiest bra and thong in my closet. It did nothing for him. He actually yelled at me for putting too much pressure on him. He told me to get dressed - this wasn't going to work. He doesn't perform on command and he can't be pressured into it. Then he kindly called me a slut for the first time and told me that I turned him off. Yeah, that was fun. I cried and cried and cried. I yelled back and told him he didn't appreciate that I was so willing and that we were newlywed and that other men would love their wives to be so willing, but I forgot to call him gay! Literally, that was all he could be...(not that there's anything wrong with that). How do you get angry at your new bride for wearing something sexy unless you just aren't into girls? I was a mad woman and fought with all my might about it all. The more he spoke and implied that I was a sex addict and that there was something wrong with me and I was crazy, the more I got angry. I kept on crying and telling him that he was making me feel ugly, fat and unattractive but that actually made him even more mad. He said that all women were crazy and it isn't always about them. It didn't help. I was still angry, I dropped it just cause I couldn't cry anymore and then I slept in the guest room that night. Back then, he cared and would try to apologize and ask me, then pull me and drag me to come back to bed in our room. So I did. There was no making up - there was just a lot of snoring as I raised the volume and watched infomercials.
The next day, it was his day off. We were going to do something - I don't remember what. The plan was to find a Dunkin Donuts, get some coffee, then be on our way. We drove around the entire town - something that can be done in 20 minutes looking for a Dunkin Donuts and we couldn't find one. We finally decided to ask. I figured I'd ask the workers inside the nearest McDonald's.
Excuse me, where's the closest Dunkin Donuts? We're new here and can't seem to find it.
(Blank stare) What's that?
You don't know what Dunkin Donuts is??? Are you serious? It is a coffee and donut shop. It is all over the world. It is a staple in everyone's morning. Why don't you know what it is?? Where am I?? (Turn to him) Where have you taken me????
(Yeah, I kinda lost it)
Then I ordered McDonald's coffee, which was gross, calmed down and we left to be on our way to wherever we were going and whatever we were doing. All irrelevant - I'm spending the next 3 years of my life in a shit town that doesn't even have a Dunkin Donuts with a shit husband who thinks I'm a slut.
No one mentioned the events of the night before.
Just FYI:
The only bakery was Walmart
The only florist was Walmart
The only real clothing store was JC Penny
The only diner was Perkins
The mall on a Saturday had 10 people in it at most
That night...I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a good 20 minutes.
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