Divine Dog Walking

The last thing I wrote about was his continued use of prescription narcotics even after I had flushed them down the toilet.  Of course, he promised to stop.  He said that it was too much trouble.  He now knew what it felt like to be very close to losing his job.  He was never going to touch any of that stuff again.  Riiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhtttttt!!!!!!!   But I believed him because I wanted to.  We hadn't even been married six months.  Of course I wanted to believe him.  I reminded him of what withdrawal felt like on a regular basis.  I told him that I was able to see the difference in him.

Do you know what didn't change?  I'll tell you.  His lack of interest in me remained in tact.  He still enjoyed his alone time continuously.  He'd watch skinimax while I was sleeping because I was often awakened by for some reason or another to find two people in a compromising situation on the screen.  I couldn't get over why he felt the need to utilize porn if he had a willing wife.  I kept trying to make sense of it.  Nothing worked.  There was a time when I thought that maybe he wasn't physiologically able to perform.  I started reading and looking things up.  I was hoping that if it was medical that he can get help.  Anything was possible considering his lack of interest.  I read somewhere to look for "morning wood" to see if he has physiological erectile dysfunction.  The article said that normal is as little as 3 times a week but healthy men had it 100% of the time.  I would constantly check.  He always got it.  There hadn't been one morning that I checked that he didn't get it.  So...it is me.  It has to be.  What else would it be?  Is it possible that his hand and my lotions were more enjoyable than being with me?  If that's the case, what did I get myself into.  I can never be a hand.

In any case, both things kept happening for 2 years.  Our so called relationship deteriorated to the point of cordial at best.  Even when I got a real job, I still was regularly miserable.  I started looking forward to the nights that he would need to spend at the hospital.  I regularly encouraged him to do things without me.  As I started needing to go away for a couple of days, I would be so happy to leave.  I never missed him.  I would always dread the ride home after those couple of days away.  I always had a pit in my stomach when I would enter my apartment.  It was just miserable.  I continued to cry regularly and continued to be miserable.

Something needed to make my life happier so I wanted a dog.  I finally got one.  Then shortly after getting the dog, it was the summer before my husband's last year of residency.  I decided to start looking for work back in NY.  I consulted with him and he encouraged it.  We were obviously going to be moving back to the area so obviously it made sense that I would start looking for work considering the job market.  By August, I was interviewing.  By September I was being seriously considered for a job - a great job!

I was walking the dog the evening after my last phone interview and praying.  My marriage was completely on the rocks.  I hated my life with him.  We always fought.  We always argued.  I was always stupid.  I always had no clue.  I never knew anything - not even things that had to do with my job.  I was constantly mentally badgered and put down AND he was not even trying to make things better by showing me he loves me.  If I were to be offered the job in NY, I would be expected to start soon.  I prayed that if I got the job, that it was God's way of saying that I needed to get away from him.  I knew I needed at least the break of the 7-9 months that we would be separated while he finishes up his residency, but I wanted it to be a prayer.  I wanted it to be divine intervention.  So, as I was walking the dog, I thought of signs.  If I got an offer, if they were flexible with the start date, if the salary was at a certain level, and if it all happened within the following week, then it was God saying that I needed the break as well.  Before I had gotten back to the apartment, I received a phone call with an offer.

A divine response?  You tell me!